You disrespect me I'll fuckin pop you one right in the face I swear to god.
Inquiries: Ron Konkoma - ron.konkoma999 [at] gmail
and
Tony Macaroni - lirrafficionado [at] gmail
Ron and Tony's Muxtape
Eyyyyyyyy,
Ron I know your good at figuring out shit so here’s my porblem. Im at the butcher yesterday and my butcher Raplhie who’s a great guy he says to me Paulie he says what are you and Gina doin for your anniversary? Naturally i thoght he was disrecpting me so i tried jumping ovber the counter so icould tune him up wit hthe beef brisket i was carrying but then my boy Johnny tells me anniversary means just wyhen you and your girlfriend been together for longer than a couple weeks or some shit and also neither of you is dead. But yeah ron what the fuck?
Ballin’,
Paulie
Dear Paulie,
Your apprehension is well founded, but be of good cheer! Though a poorly planned anniversary is indeed occasion for keening and woe, stick to these tried and true anniversarial guidelines and you’ll soon find yourself suffused in a torrent of your love’s affection!
Perhaps the most counter-intuitive rule of celebrating mutual love and admiration, but also the most important. Save it for the ride home, or at least until none of the Bennigan’s staff seems to be looking.
Inconvenient? Absolutely. But these days, most miniature golf courses, batting cages and other such high-end establishments all but require upper-body attire. If you’re feeling especially ambitious, try throwing a pair of shoes into the mix.
Remember, this is as much her night as it is yours—so ask yourself, if I were a girl, would I want to spend my anniversary drinking barbicide at an illegal street race?
Best wishes and warmest regards,
Ron Konkoma
Though many subway riders may consider themselves versed in general train etiquette, comparatively few seem aware of the complex set of rules governing all trains bound for Penn Station. Here follow a few of the most important regulations.
- Do not be a woman
- If you must be a woman, do not be attractive
- Do not weigh less than 250 pounds
- Do not smell of anything but your own brackish musk, and perhaps the Jamaican beef patty you picked up at the bodega near your office
As a parent, it’s safe to say that you are better than those without children, and as such, that you are no longer obligated to pay any heed to your surroundings or to observe in any way the trifling social conventions of the childless. So go ahead—change your baby on line at Chopt Salad. In fact, while you’re at it, be sure to fill other patrons in on the consistency and regularity of your child’s bowel movements. They’ll appreciate it.
-
These wheels were made for rolling
The word sidewalk is Latin in origin, and translates roughly as “Baby Stroller Highway.” So the next time a man, woman or child crosses your path, run them down—after all, etymology is on your side.
Or, if you’re looking for something more feminine, try Maginot Line (Maggie for short).
Many thanks to reader Joey Tots. Interested pleasure-seekers can further explore both Dave and Buster’s offerings here.
Warm Regards,
Ron and Tony
Dear Ron and Tony,
Sup? So my girl Janine and me didn’t get into Posh the other night but I got my brows waxed that day and I didn’t want to let my glow go to waste. but I needed some shit to do with her because i already took her to the deli and made her stand there and watch me eat shit until i threw up which is what we usually do. also we already went to the grand Lux But just like the Lux Janine is classy & she demands creativity when I take her out. so we were standing in the Source Mall circuit city tryin to intimidate the manager into givin us free blank CDs when i had i stroke up genius and I took her to Dave and Buster’s. Dave and Buster’s is the balls. they got like video games and bumpa cars and shit so at Dave and Buster’s I feel like I’m treating my broad to a family experience. so we got out of the Ollie’s cab (me and my girl are to good to walk ya gotta know how to do it right!) and I tipped the door man a C note so he treated Janine like royalty. We went straight to the whack a mole station and more other various attractions around DBs and what not including we played some DDR, won her a teddy bear, and we did laser bowling (that was sick) and the whole time i was able to drink as much miller light and eat as much popcorn chicken or shrimp as i wanted which was great. Janine couldn’t get into the bar which sucked cause i even got her a fake from the DMV where i work but i think the Carey High School track suit tipped them off. Kay serra. we did it in the bathroom anyway. I highly reccommend Dave and Busters.
From,
Joey Tots
