Ovahoid in New Yawk

Thanks, Joey Tots!

Many thanks to reader Joey Tots. Interested pleasure-seekers can further explore both Dave and Buster’s offerings here.

Warm Regards,

Ron and Tony

Classy Places To Take Your Date So As To Impress Her And Maybe Later Fuck Her, Part II

Dear Ron and Tony,

Sup? So my girl Janine and me didn’t get into Posh the other night but I got my brows waxed that day and I didn’t want to let my glow go to waste. but I needed some shit to do with her because i already took her to the deli and made her stand there and watch me eat shit until i threw up which is what we usually do. also we already went to the grand Lux But just like the Lux Janine is classy & she demands creativity when I take her out. so we were standing in the Source Mall circuit city tryin to intimidate the manager into givin us free blank CDs when i had i stroke up genius and I took her to Dave and Buster’s. Dave and Buster’s is the balls. they got like video games and bumpa cars and shit so at Dave and Buster’s I feel like I’m treating my broad to a family experience. so we got out of the Ollie’s cab (me and my girl are to good to walk ya gotta know how to do it right!) and I tipped the door man a C note so he treated Janine like royalty. We went straight to the whack a mole station and more other various attractions around DBs and what not including we played some DDR, won her a teddy bear, and we did laser bowling (that was sick) and the whole time i was able to drink as much miller light and eat as much popcorn chicken or shrimp as i wanted which was great. Janine couldn’t get into the bar which sucked cause i even got her a fake from the DMV where i work but i think the Carey High School track suit tipped them off. Kay serra. we did it in the bathroom anyway. I highly reccommend Dave and Busters.

From,

Joey Tots

Driving In and Around New York: A Primer

1. Whenever possible, pass on the right.
2. Speed limits apply only to women and the Irish
3. Take it personally: if someone merges in front of you, it’s probably got less to do with traffic flow than their brazen lack of respect for you and your extended family; resolve with violence
4. Tinted windows, spoilers, and decals add an undeniable air of charm and sophistication to your automobile; they also make it faster.
5. Stuck in a traffic jam? Honk your horn! It’s fun, it’s easy, and, best of all, it lets nearby drivers know that you’re important and have pressing business to attend to, thereby instantaneously dissolving gridlock.

How To Ride the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR): An Insider’s Guide to America’s Busiest Railway

Part I: Silence ISN’T Golden

Face it: the things you do are interesting—almost criminally so—and people need to know about them. 

• Going for a haircut?  Great!  Call your friend and tell her! 
• On your way home from a Broadway Show?  Fantastic!  Odds are, nobody else on the train has seen or even heard of “CATS!,” so be encouraged to talk at length about your favorite number or costume. 
• Taking your son or daughter to the doctor?  Wonderful!  Be sure to describe any rashes, pusses or other bodily excretions in minute detail, and loudly.  And, of course, do let the lovable little scamps run free in the aisles; after all, nothing irks commuters more than quiet, orderly children.   

Addendum: do note that mass transit is generally considered an appropriate venue for personal arguments, so if you’re fed up with your lady’s wandering eye, now’s the time to have it out.  Curse, cry and scream—it’s what the railroad was meant for—but be on the lookout for roving MTA Police squads, inexplicably known to arrest couples for even the most trifling physical altercations.       

From Ron Konkoma’s Mailbag

Yo Ron, so last night I picked up this bangin’ chick at a club and then we boned for like ten hours or something. Awesome, right? Anyway, it’s like 7 pm now, and naturally I just woke up, had a protein shake and then decided to head outside and put another layer of wax on my Supra, when what do I find but the same chick asleep in the backseat! I mean, I think it’s the same chick…honestly it’s kind of hard to tell cause she’s got pants on now, and I feel like maybe her hair was red last night, and also she was like a foot taller. But any way you slice it, Ron, she’s a classy broad, and I need some place classy to take her when she wakes up, which could be any minute! Help!

Apprehensively,

Mikey T.

Fear not, Mikey! New York plays host to a surfeit of high-class venues, all sure to impress even the most discerning of women. In fact, so wide is the array of available clubs, lounges, night clubs, dance lounges, ultra lounges, and discotheques that even an urbane, well-to-do gentleman such as yourself might regard them in puzzlement and wonder aloud, “But where best to court mon cher?” With this in mind, I’ve listed below a few tips for finding that elusive Ne Plus Ultra Lounge.

1. The more neon the better

Fact: few things impress ladies more than a room drenched in the soft glow of purple neon overheads—but the neon shouldn’t stop there! Bars, over-sized novelty fish tanks, and even carpeting can all be tastefully festooned with pliable plastic tubes of this, the most opulent of lights.

2. Columns, columns, columns!

Ah, Rome, jewel of the Mediterranean! No coincidence, then, that many New York club-goers claim descent from the city’s founders. And what better way to honor that heritage than through exacting recreation of its architectural hallmarks? Look for columns, domes and architraves—all rendered in brilliant white formica, of course!

3. Purple pricetags

When entering a club, ask yourself this question: can I afford to drink here without borrowing against the equity of my home or automobile? If the answer is no, the club must go! Remember, needlessly overpaying for products and services readily and more reasonably available elsewhere is the mark of a true gentilhomme!

Yours faithfully,

Ron Konkoma

Thanks, Tommy D!

Classy Places To Take Your Date So As To Impress Her And Maybe Later Fuck Her

From the Readership:

Dear Ron and Tony,

Three words: Grand Lux Cafe. It’s Egyptian or somethin gay for Really Fucking Classy Restaurant. Anyways last week I scored some digits from this smokin hot cashier who works at the IGA. Actually she’s always hangin around the high school so maybe she’s a teacher or somethin. Doesn’t matter. So I definitely wanted to bang this chick but didn’t know what to do, so I called my boy Joey and I was like, Joey I really wanna bang this chick what should I do? So Joey took care of me and hooked me up with a reserve at Grand Lux in Roosevelt Field which is like where the Roman Emperors used to shop only it’s still open today and also there’s a bangin’ food court and a Dick’s Sporting Goods that’s got a rock climbing wall. So me and this bitch get there and we’re kinda worried about being over dressed cause we’re both in our Juicy Suits (velour, of course), but it turns out that we weren’t overdressed at all because it’s such a luxurious place. They got like all this marble everywhere cause it’s based on Europe where everything is made of marble and the lamps are all fucking bent and twisted and shit which is how you get your lamps when you’re a fuckin baller like Gordon Gecko. Yeah so we knew it was good when we saw that and then we got the menus and each one was three inches thick and all the pages were laminated so you couldnt spill shit on them just like my ma’s furniture! Plus it’s american style so you can get like chinese food and nachos and even hot dogs which is great for when you’re about to go out dancing or boning all night and they give you fuckin huge portions cause it’s american. The wait can be two hours but is worth the wait. I guess it was a little expensive but i paid cash and got the waiter to cut a little off the top cause i took care of him. Also I totally banged that chick.

Fuckin a

—Tommy D.