Ways to Behave in Public, Part V: The Melaninny
The man for tanning’s various arts renown’d/Long exercised in hos, O Muse! resound — The Guidodyssey, Book I, Lines i-ii
Do you find yourself time and again rebuffed by the fairer sex? Are you frustrated? Confused? Take heart, gentle reader, and look no further than these time-tested truisms of the tan:
- Women won’t sleep with you unless you look like a sun-stroked salmon
- To avoid looking mottled, get your tan from a bottle! “Natural” tanning is erratic, time-consuming and dangerous; to achieve your ideal gamboge, stay indoors.
- Wondering if you need more time under the lamps? Go to the local supermarket and hide in the peach bin; if you can avoid detection for an hour, you’re ready to hit the clubs