From The Mailbag
Eyyyyyyyy,
Ron I know your good at figuring out shit so here’s my porblem. Im at the butcher yesterday and my butcher Raplhie who’s a great guy he says to me Paulie he says what are you and Gina doin for your anniversary? Naturally i thoght he was disrecpting me so i tried jumping ovber the counter so icould tune him up wit hthe beef brisket i was carrying but then my boy Johnny tells me anniversary means just wyhen you and your girlfriend been together for longer than a couple weeks or some shit and also neither of you is dead. But yeah ron what the fuck?
Ballin’,
Paulie
Dear Paulie,
Your apprehension is well founded, but be of good cheer! Though a poorly planned anniversary is indeed occasion for keening and woe, stick to these tried and true anniversarial guidelines and you’ll soon find yourself suffused in a torrent of your love’s affection!
- Don’t hit her.
Perhaps the most counter-intuitive rule of celebrating mutual love and admiration, but also the most important. Save it for the ride home, or at least until none of the Bennigan’s staff seems to be looking.
- Wear a shirt.
Inconvenient? Absolutely. But these days, most miniature golf courses, batting cages and other such high-end establishments all but require upper-body attire. If you’re feeling especially ambitious, try throwing a pair of shoes into the mix.
- Be other-centered.
Remember, this is as much her night as it is yours—so ask yourself, if I were a girl, would I want to spend my anniversary drinking barbicide at an illegal street race?
Best wishes and warmest regards,
Ron Konkoma