Ovahoid in New Yawk

Perfidy and Outrage!

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:16:00 -0400

Perfidy and Outrage!: Ron and Tony’s favorite restaurant maligned, vengeance vowed.

Use it for getting tumbla music on your ipod and then into your...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:03:32 -0400

Use it for getting tumbla music on your ipod and then into your Kompressor. Also use it for www.ronandtony.muxtape.com

Let’s all of us meet at the lighthouse.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 22:04:31 -0400

Let’s all of us meet at the lighthouse.

Malibu Beach Parking Lot, Point Lookout, NY, 2:00 PM, May 30, 2008

Fri, 30 May 2008 14:56:00 -0400

Shirtless youth, fesigner sunglasses: Yo baby! I think you're cute.
Female parking attendant: (ignores him)
Sunglasses: NOT GONNA LIE! I think you're really cute!
Attendant: (keeps walking)
Sunglasses: Hey! Ya hear me!?
Attendant: Um, thanks?
Sunglasses: Baby the things I'd do to you if you didn't have a boyfriend. I mean, I don't know if you have a boyfriend.
(silence)
Sunglasses: I just assumed you did.
Attendant: (keeps walking)

She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless...

Sat, 24 May 2008 17:12:00 -0400

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow’d to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair’d the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Ways to Behave in Public, Part VI: Don’t Wear...

Fri, 23 May 2008 19:58:00 -0400

Ways to Behave in Public, Part VI: Don’t Wear Pants

Self-explanatory. Perplexing nonetheless.

From The Mailbag

Fri, 09 May 2008 22:28:00 -0400

Eyyyyyyyy,

Ron I know your good at figuring out shit so here’s my porblem. Im at the butcher yesterday and my butcher Raplhie who’s a great guy he says to me Paulie he says what are you and Gina doin for your anniversary? Naturally i thoght he was disrecpting me so i tried jumping ovber the counter so icould tune him up wit hthe beef brisket i was carrying but then my boy Johnny tells me anniversary means just wyhen you and your girlfriend been together for longer than a couple weeks or some shit and also neither of you is dead. But yeah ron what the fuck?

Ballin’,

Paulie

Dear Paulie,

Your apprehension is well founded, but be of good cheer! Though a poorly planned anniversary is indeed occasion for keening and woe, stick to these tried and true anniversarial guidelines and you’ll soon find yourself suffused in a torrent of your love’s affection!

Don’t hit her.

Perhaps the most counter-intuitive rule of celebrating mutual love and admiration, but also the most important. Save it for the ride home, or at least until none of the Bennigan’s staff seems to be looking.

Wear a shirt.

Inconvenient? Absolutely. But these days, most miniature golf courses, batting cages and other such high-end establishments all but require upper-body attire. If you’re feeling especially ambitious, try throwing a pair of shoes into the mix.

Be other-centered.

Remember, this is as much her night as it is yours—so ask yourself, if I were a girl, would I want to spend my anniversary drinking barbicide at an illegal street race?

Best wishes and warmest regards,

Ron Konkoma

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner: The Summer ‘08 Party...

Wed, 07 May 2008 22:20:00 -0400

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner: The Summer ‘08 Party Shirt

Out: vertical stripes
In: optical illusions

A Brief Introduction To Riding A Pennwards Subway

Sat, 03 May 2008 20:37:08 -0400

Though many subway riders may consider themselves versed in general train etiquette, comparatively few seem aware of the complex set of rules governing all trains bound for Penn Station. Here follow a few of the most important regulations.

Do not be a woman
If you must be a woman, do not be attractive
Do not weigh less than 250 pounds
Do not smell of anything but your own brackish musk, and perhaps the Jamaican beef patty you picked up at the bodega near your office

LIRR, Westbound Hempstead Train, Saturday, March 29th, 5:30 PM

Fri, 02 May 2008 18:50:45 -0400

Leather jacket: (anxiously) I still don't undastand why we're not goin to Richie's party.
Leather pants: Bro, for the last time, the tricks going to that party are way too smart. We wouldn't get ANY action.
Leather jacket: Oh...yeah, ya right.

HANDSOME SANDWICH2 to 3 servings Combine on dance floor: 2...

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:16:03 -0400

HANDSOME SANDWICH
2 to 3 servings
Combine on dance floor:

2 parts handsome
1 part ham

Serve sweaty, garnished with:

Sperm

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner Factory distressed jeans. ...

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 14:58:36 -0400

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner

Factory distressed jeans. In the history of clothing, no other pant has ever been so closely associated with success—and is it any wonder? Consider, par exemple, these tastefully worn-in Dolce & Gabbanas: the carefree fronal rips proudly proclaim masculinity, while on the reverse side, a quietly dignified D&G logo suggests, “yes, I am discerning,” and, “yes, I knew what a good decision it would be to pay $300 for these pants.” Available in blue, black, and gray.

Ron Konkoma’s Guide to Parenting in New York

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 12:05:02 -0400

You Are A Snowflake

As a parent, it’s safe to say that you are better than those without children, and as such, that you are no longer obligated to pay any heed to your surroundings or to observe in any way the trifling social conventions of the childless. So go ahead—change your baby on line at Chopt Salad. In fact, while you’re at it, be sure to fill other patrons in on the consistency and regularity of your child’s bowel movements. They’ll appreciate it.

These wheels were made for rolling

The word sidewalk is Latin in origin, and translates roughly as “Baby Stroller Highway.” So the next time a man, woman or child crosses your path, run them down—after all, etymology is on your side.

Name Your Child Aidyn

Or, if you’re looking for something more feminine, try Maginot Line (Maggie for short).

Penn Station, LIRR Terminal, Saturday, April 19th, 2 pm

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:11:41 -0400

Violinist: (to seated man) Is there something you’d like to hear?
Seated man: (thinks for a minute) Cold Mountain.
Violinist: I’m sorry?
Seated man: Cold Mountain. You know, with Nicole Kidman? It’s got a violin song.
Violinist: Oh. ...I’m sorry, I don’t think I know that one.
Seated man: (thinks again) What about Cradle of Filth?
Violinist: Crater of...?
Seated man: Cradle of Filth. They’re a metal band. Sometimes they have a violin.
(silence)
Seated man: But mostly they just yell.
Violinist: Oh. ...I know Yesterday, by the Beatles. Would you like to hear Yesterday?
Seated man: (dejectedly) No.
Violinist: No? (priming background music) Well, this is an aria by Puccini—it’s really quite beautiful; I think you’ll like it.
Seated man: (gets up, walks to Cinnabon)

Ways to Behave in Public, Part V: The Melaninny The man for...

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:58:02 -0400

Ways to Behave in Public, Part V: The Melaninny

The man for tanning’s various arts renown’d/Long exercised in hos, O Muse! resound — The Guidodyssey, Book I, Lines i-ii

Do you find yourself time and again rebuffed by the fairer sex? Are you frustrated? Confused? Take heart, gentle reader, and look no further than these time-tested truisms of the tan:

Women won’t sleep with you unless you look like a sun-stroked salmon
To avoid looking mottled, get your tan from a bottle! “Natural” tanning is erratic, time-consuming and dangerous; to achieve your ideal gamboge, stay indoors.
Wondering if you need more time under the lamps? Go to the local supermarket and hide in the peach bin; if you can avoid detection for an hour, you’re ready to hit the clubs

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner Whether you’re...

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:06:40 -0400

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner

Whether you’re attending a funeral or just drunk on Sunday, this sober black tracksuit/white shirt with adult bib combo will ensure that you’re appropriately attired, and stain free!

Thanks, Joey Tots!

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:06:12 -0400

Many thanks to reader Joey Tots. Interested pleasure-seekers can further explore both Dave and Buster’s offerings here.

Warm Regards,

Ron and Tony

Classy Places To Take Your Date So As To Impress Her And Maybe Later Fuck Her, Part II

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:05:25 -0400

Dear Ron and Tony,

Sup? So my girl Janine and me didn’t get into Posh the other night but I got my brows waxed that day and I didn’t want to let my glow go to waste. but I needed some shit to do with her because i already took her to the deli and made her stand there and watch me eat shit until i threw up which is what we usually do. also we already went to the grand Lux But just like the Lux Janine is classy & she demands creativity when I take her out. so we were standing in the Source Mall circuit city tryin to intimidate the manager into givin us free blank CDs when i had i stroke up genius and I took her to Dave and Buster’s. Dave and Buster’s is the balls. they got like video games and bumpa cars and shit so at Dave and Buster’s I feel like I’m treating my broad to a family experience. so we got out of the Ollie’s cab (me and my girl are to good to walk ya gotta know how to do it right!) and I tipped the door man a C note so he treated Janine like royalty. We went straight to the whack a mole station and more other various attractions around DBs and what not including we played some DDR, won her a teddy bear, and we did laser bowling (that was sick) and the whole time i was able to drink as much miller light and eat as much popcorn chicken or shrimp as i wanted which was great. Janine couldn’t get into the bar which sucked cause i even got her a fake from the DMV where i work but i think the Carey High School track suit tipped them off. Kay serra. we did it in the bathroom anyway. I highly reccommend Dave and Busters.

From,

Joey Tots

Ways to Behave in Public, Part IV: The Courtly Dance April hath...

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:08:58 -0400

Ways to Behave in Public, Part IV: The Courtly Dance

April hath put a spirit of youth in everything!, wrote The Bard. So, as day waxes longer and one’s thoughts turn naturally to rosy-cheeked concupiscence, remember this adage, sure to win you the hand of your hamlet’s fairest maid!

Dance all up on her! Bump, grind and ram until one of you is pregnant or security intervenes. Really. That’s it.

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner New for Spring ‘08:...

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:58:28 -0400

Ron and Tony’s Fashion Corner

New for Spring ‘08: The Trilobite. Available in Formal White or Party Blue